13th sept 2007

thursday, i dont feel very well, stomachache... it's like a norm to me now... woke up early n slept bk till 11... if my hsemate didnt knock on my door, i would have overslept... so, cont wv my day... went for clas... ms chong talked abt wut is precious to us... it is precious to us when we cnt get it... this is indeed so true... anything u lost also is something u felt is very precious... appreciate ppl around u... bla bla bla.... and so on... talked to shireen aft class today... our first topic... stomachache... yep... tht goes on till i talked sth i dont really like to open up in frnt of others... and then i bid gudbye... since then.... memories kept coming bk to me again... gosh... just couldnt forgive myself of what i've done... a useless fool... this is the word best describe me... SHAME ON YOU!!!

10th sept 2007

today is sunday, and i skipped church again... i couldnt wake up as i slept too "early"... got headache and sorethroat as the result of nonstop shouting last nite... was tired too... and kept on sleeping... till after dinner... went jusco with housemates... this is where i saw some old folks... and i thought of my grandma... someone who showed so much love to me ever since i was born till 26th dec 2006... the date which i would never forget... how i treated when she showed so much love to me... but it is all too late... yes, regretting is useless... but i just could not help it... why am i so stupid... why do i treat ppl who hurt me, so good? why do i treat ppl who loved me so much, so bad... why am i so stupid... yes, i did take care of my grandma... but if i were to compare how much she took care of me than i took care of her... it is such a big gap.... what did i do to take care of her? did i take med to her? did i remind her to take med? did i bring her to c doc? did i talk to her when she needed me? was i with her when she needed ppl the most? did i ever try to understand her? no. no. no. what a useless grand daughter i am... so, now whenever i saw ppl's grandma, i will strait away think of my own grandma... i used to think that she is somehow... well, irritating, someone who wanted to know everything i m doing or wuteva.... she is there.. when i needed someone so much... she never leave me... but i was the only one who nonstop dissapointing her... someone who didnt care for her... someone who left her... so, i did help her to put her socks, cover her with blanket when she is asleep... but wut is that, if to compare how she took care of me since i was young... carry me all the way... bring me here and there... help me to find my lost things... i would have say this, in this world.... no one understands me better than she was... even me myself... dont really understand me as good as she is... now that i hope that she is with me... she is gone... up there... to be with God and also to be with Henry... someone i lost... feeling regret is really useles...but what i really want now is... my family... and "my family" means everyone whom i once lived with... from my greatgrandmother, my grandfather, my grandmother, my uncle, my parents, angel, my brother and my sister... everyone... i hope to be with them together... oh God... how i missed them.... and how stupid i am to not appreciate my family... how stupid i am... i cant stop hating myself for being such a fool... stupid me... what a fool... if i cn turn back the time... for sure... everyhting will be different.... i will treat everyone differently... i wont be repeating the same mistakes i made, and tt's for sure... but i know this aint gonna happen.. oh God... i really wanna be with my grandma and my brother... please guide me and show me the way...